[ greyweed ] -- and the bored shall inherit the earth...

A VERY SHORT, UNDETAILED REVIEW of “The WICKER MAN”
Thanks to my superhuman ability to listen to CHR radio stations during the wee hours of the morning and indomitable urge to join nearly every on-air contest (that does not require me to sing, rhyme, recite a sponsor’s tagline, etc.), I won for myself a pair of invites to the premiere of the Nicholas Cage movie “The Wicker Man”.

I have been seeing the trailer over the cable channels and the posters along the highway, and it gave me the impression that it has a seriously creepy storyline, made complicated with a series of elaborate lies and knee-deep in some bizarre tradition as they marinate in horrific sound effects and CG mush. This is something Hollywood has been spewing, as opposed to the now overrated Asian horror explosion which utilizes to great effect the silence and a very simplistic storytelling device.

So it was a weekday and I headed over to the radio station to claim the tickets. I sent text messages to nearly everyone in my phonebook, in hopes of finding someone whom I could whimper to whenever a ghastly scene would jump from the screen. Nearly everyone declined, the others didn’t even have the decency to respond. Dammit!

It was 7:55pm, and I was sitting inside Megamall’s Cinema1. And since it was an exclusive premiere, some celebrities showed up including members of the band Join The Club who carried the general look of having utmost glee. Next to me sat two old ladies, lively gossiping about some neighbor. Not exactly an appealing idea of being the shaking, cowardly young man beside a pair of undaunted pair of geriatric ward candidates. Hardly a good comparison to last year’s Harry Potter viewing, where I sat beside a muscle-bound, skin-headed, goateed and tattooed mammoth who cried at the end of the movie because Cedric kicked the bucket. It was cold and I felt queasy.

So after a deep breath I plunged into the horror flick…

After going through a near-death experience in the line of duty, Police officer Edward Malus (Nick Cage) receives a letter from an ex named Willow (Kate Beahan), asking his help to find her daughter, oddly named Rowan (Atkinson???!) in the remote island of Summersisle. A series of unfortunate incidents and odd meetings with the locals (including a wooden Leelee Sobieski) would ensue before Willow informs him that Rowan is his. After much more running around the island and bizarre suspense plot devices, he finally stumbles upon evidence that the entire island thrives on ancient tradition and the daughter he has yet to meet is next in line to be sacrificed for a better harvest season. Mighty enticing really, but IT SUCKED! What a friggin’ disappointment!

The trailers and poster were so misleading. It led me to believe that I would be hiding behind my mailbag by the first half, instead I felt cheated. We all got so used to guessing the plot as we watched suspense flicks, but for this film, chances are that most of your guesses were far more creative and ingenious than the actual story.

It was unbelievably mundane and dragging. You would be sitting in the theatre waiting for the movie to take off, sorry to say: it never does. However, it is highly obvious that it attempts to shock, scare and intrigue you; unfortunately, attempts, no matter how hard, do not make for a good movie.

Some scenes were indeed funny, however they tragically look candid. And how idiotic does “Step away from the bike!” sound when being mouthed by a snarling Nick Cage as he points a gun at an unarmed woman aboard a bicycle?

Although honestly, save for the deviously deceptive advertising, completely moronic script and the very old school storytelling, the film would’ve passed in my book-- if it were a short film.

In its entirety, the movie was one deceiving son of a bitch. It was a total waste of a good cast, passable production and a good direction.

Avoid like leprosy. You have been warned.